Dating After Divorce: Women Share Success Stories

Photo-Illustration: The Cut; Photos Getty Images

Once you’re on the other side of divorce, it’s tough to tell how you’ll feel about dating. Romantic nights out can feel terrifying, electrifying, or simply overwhelming. The only way to find out is to try — and, usually, keep trying. Here are seven women, whose names have been changed, on their most memorable dates post-divorce that left them feeling actually good.

My husband had an affair and I left him. Afterward, I found out through mutual friends that he’d been cheating on me throughout our 15-year marriage. I had no idea. I quickly turned my sadness into rage and essentially found comfort in absolutely fucking despising the man. Hating him helped me move on pretty quickly. By the time the divorce was official, and I had uncovered all of his lies and betrayals, I felt prepared to date again — this was like, a year after the final breakup. My one single friend in her 40s told me to join Feeld because she said the guys on Feeld are upfront about their sex lives, and it’s a more transparent environment. I just couldn’t risk dating guys who lied about who they were fucking or not fucking. I wanted a grown-ass, honest man. The very first guy I clicked with told me right away that he liked to “play rough.” This intrigued me. Sex with my husband was vanilla, but the porn I like most usually includes some spanking, or handcuffs, that kind of thing. The guy and I decided to meet up at a very small bar in Brooklyn. He was cute. We immediately started flirting and talking about our dating experiences — mine were very limited, at that point, but he had some funny stories about ultra-kinky women he’d met who were too much for him. Then he came right out and said he likes to be tied up. He likes when someone is a little rough with him. He had a whole vernacular that I was trying to keep up with. Safe words, that kind of thing. I was kind of into it. I told him that I’d be open to experimenting. We went back to his apartment and had hot and kinky sex. He tied me up. I tied him up. It was fun, not scary. And he made me come like never before. I left his apartment feeling like I’d discovered a whole new world, a whole new me. I wasn’t sure this was the scene I belonged in, sexually, but it was highly pleasurable. I was just like, Maybe dating in New York is not as bad as people say. Maybe it’s actually kind of amazing. In hindsight, I think maybe I just got lucky, because he was sexy without being a creep. That’s hard to find!

I’ve been single and dating for about a year now, and I’m pretty guarded after coming out of a somewhat traumatic divorce and unpleasant marriage. I’ve had a few “meh” dates — nothing special, no chemistry on my end. Then about a month ago, I decided to meet this guy from online, because he seemed cute and nice enough. We went to a bar in midtown and ended up having the best time! I don’t even really drink, but I ended up staying out until 3 a.m. with him, making out all over midtown. I even suggested a nightcap at another bar before we went home. All night, I was like, Who am I? I felt young, free, and happy, all tipsy, flirty, and slutty — something I never felt with my ex, not even in the honeymoon phase. We never once went out to a bar together and got drunk. Not in nine years together. He was always too stressed from work or dealing with his own shit, which is not my problem anymore. The point is I never saw this guy from the drunk date again. He kinda ghosted, but I didn’t care that much about having date No. 2. It was perfect the way it was and restored something in me I didn’t even know was missing.

I’ve been divorced for five years and have gone on about 100 lousy dates in that time. I’m online all the time, swiping away. Only recently, I had my first great date. We chatted on Bumble for a few weeks, getting to know each other. Little details like my favorite foods and movies had come up. So when we finally found a date to meet up, when we were both in New York, he chose the place that I had said was my favorite restaurant — this place in Dumbo called Celestine. It was weeks before that I had even mentioned that place! Then on the date, he was so engaged and asking about all the bullshit we’d been texting about. This was a man who really listened! My ex never listened to a word I said. I know it sounds pathetic, but it blew my mind that a man existed who was cute, successful, and caring enough to value my words. We’re going out again this weekend. He suggested we find a place to take a cooking class together since, once again, I mentioned that it was something I’d always wanted to do.

I was pretty shattered after my divorce, but I thought I was ready to date again. It had been about six months since we were officially over. I went out with a few guys who had red flags — one casually asked to borrow money, one was a recovering sex addict — then my friend set me up with her brother. The date was at the Wythe Hotel bar. This guy knew my backstory (the messy divorce and that I was a single mom) by way of his sister, so it was nice that I didn’t have to spell it all out for him. It’s hard to keep the vibe sexy when you’re telling the whole painful saga. Anyway, we each got a cocktail. I pounded mine. We ordered another round. I wasn’t that attracted to him, but I liked his energy and felt comfortable. Three drinks later, I’m crying to him. But I’m kind of crying and laughing at myself over the crying. And he’s just like, “I got you! It’s all good!” I was very raw, with no game whatsoever, and he was totally cool about it all. He gave me permission to be vulnerable. We ended up having the longest, tightest hug after the date. It felt cathartic. I felt safe, whole, and totally okay with my bruises — maybe even more beautiful because of them. We transitioned into friends immediately, and I still tell him how I treasure that memory. It was a major milestone for me.

After being divorced for three years with no dates at all because I was a busy, single working mom and not interested in romance whatsoever, a friend invited me over to their house to watch a Celtics game with a few other Celtics fans living in New York. I walked in, immediately saw this guy there sitting on the couch, and I knew my life was about to change. It was electric. He got up, walked over to say hello, and I was overcome with this sense of Oh my God. He’s my person. As the day went on, we watched the game — and I do consider this our first date, because I was just, like, stunned by the feelings that came over me throughout the day while getting to know him. We talked about our exes, our parents, our jobs, about nothing — just chatting. I felt like nothing and everything was happening all at once.

We got married a year later and have been together for 16 years now. We’ve never even had a fight or a cross word toward each other. I see my first husband as my sperm donor and my partner now as my one true love.

It was the first date after my divorce. Maybe four months after the paperwork was signed. I was very nervous. The date was with someone I’d met online, and in our chatting, I’d mentioned that after everything I’d been through, I deserved a trip to Paris. It was, like, a throwaway line — nothing I thought twice about or even remember saying. Anyway, when I showed up at a wine bar in Brooklyn to meet this man, he had a little Paris keychain for me wrapped in a box. He slid it across the table and said, “You deserve this.” It was such a sweet gesture. It made me cry. I was so touched. Unfortunately, I wasn’t really attracted to him and he wasn’t for me, romantically, but that moment warmed my heart. It was like a sign from the universe that I’d be okay and I was worthy of love again from someone somewhere — even if not him.

I went out with a man from the town I live in outside of Boston. We were both renting our “postdivorce” houses on the same street. I knew him a little bit from the neighborhood and school events, but I’d always thought he was too attractive and successful to even look at me. We started talking a little every time I’d walk past his house with my kids, who would stop to play with his kids, and eventually he asked me to dinner. We met at a bar a few towns over, because we didn’t want the entire town gossiping. The whole thing was super-exciting and nerve-wracking. We drank and talked and talked and talked. He was just so funny. Then he was literally the best kisser I’ve ever experienced. We made out in the back seat of my car!

He was dating other women, and I knew it, and I was not ready to get involved so quickly after my first marriage, but all that worked itself out. Fast forward three years: We’re married and have blended total of six kids together. We have tons of sex, tons of date nights and late-night conversations. Life is fun! I fell in love. I fell in love hard. The fact that he was right in my backyard makes me feel like he was sent to me.