Twenty very modern dating questions, answered by very modern love gurus

I’m desperate to halve my rent bill. How will I know when my partner and I are ready to move in together?

“To be honest, there’s no way to know for certain when you’re ready to move in together,” says Sarkar. “Or take any other big step, like marriage, babies, or watching The Wire. Sometimes you just have to do shit, and see if it goes horribly wrong. Me and my partner moved in together in 2020, when the first Covid lockdown was looming and it was either that or not see each other for ages. Necessity is the mother of invention, and near-total social starvation meant that we had to be really intentional about being good to each other. I sometimes wonder whether the experience of having first cohabited in non-ideal circumstances has made us stronger in the long run.” External forces, whether global pandemics or parasitic landlords, will inevitably shape your relationship. “Moving in together because you want to halve the rent isn’t the worst reason in the world.”

My partner wants to be a “traddy” and expects me to pay for everything – how do I tell them to get a job?

“You tell them with care for their feelings, and honesty with yours!” says dating coach Blaine Anderson. “It’s 100 per cent OK to expect whoever you’re dating to contribute to shared expenses – including dates – when you’re in a committed relationship. But if you don’t ask, some people may assume you don’t expect help.” Moya Lothian-McLean, Sarkar’s podcast co-host, has a slightly more bracing take: “Just tell them you’re not paying for everything. Either they will get a job or you will break up. Which way, Western man?”

We just broke up. Can we peacefully coexist for the rest of our shared rental contract?

“Give each other space,” says Chiara King, host of the King of Hearts podcast. “Coordinate when you will both be in the house, because the more you are on the same premises together, the more likely an argument will occur. Worse would be sleeping together and starting a toxic cycle.”

Should I be looksmaxxing?

“No, babe,” say Bowen and Marchetto. “Looksmaxxing might make you shinier on the outside, but if the inside is still crying out to be validated, you’re just a pretty package and a ‘handle with care’ sticker. The way you feel about yourself comes across like cheap perfume in a lift; if you’re radiating insecurity, people will smell it miles away.” Work on loving yourself first. When you do, you’ll naturally attract people who deserve you.

Should I pay for Raya or Feeld? Is anyone even on the apps any more?

Everyone is still on the apps, says Lothian-McLean, but almost no one likes using them. “The misattributed Einstein quote about the definition of insanity being to repeat unsatisfying behaviour and expecting a different outcome, applies here. If this medium is not serving your romantic hopes, do you think the same algorithmic experience with a slightly different interface (and higher price point) will change that? Once you have crossed the app-fatigue Rubicon, I think you could happen across your dream partner and still end up letting the conversation die.” Take a proper break. If you go back to them, limit your use to setting up physical dates, rather than juggling endless horny DMs that won’t ever go anywhere. But if you don’t have a specific dating goal, then why not just delete them for good? “Congrats genie, you’re free!”

Help! I think I’ve started dating an incel (or femcel). What should I do?

“Cut off their internet connection,” says Lima. “Incels thrive on manosphere clickbait.” Without access to their favourite toxic motormouths, you’ll have a better chance of coaxing them towards a more wholesome worldview. “If cutting off their wifi feels a little extreme, I would suggest changing their algorithm by speaking very loudly about other things while their phone is within a 10-metre radius. Alternatively: don’t date an incel.”

How do I date across a big salary gap?

“With a watertight prenuptial agreement,” says Sarkar. More seriously, it depends on what stage of the relationship you’re at, and which side of the salary gap you’re on. “If you’re dating and splitting stuff 50/50, what matters is whether you can find a shared landing zone for fun expenses. Does every dinner out have to come accompanied by a Michelin star? Are you all right with a weekend in Margate rather than 10 nights in the Maldives?” If you’re living together and in a committed relationship, an equal split is less realistic. “It’s a matter of how much you trust your partner not to take the piss, or to leverage their wealth over you to maintain the upper hand. One thing’s for sure, though – love across a salary gap won’t last if you think how much you earn is always a reflection of how hard you work.”