Motives Matter: Women Dating Much Older Men

Public Perception: Society, Social Norms, and Stereotypes

Many have seen couples who appear to be severely age mismatched.

Were it not for the amorous interaction, we would mistake these couples for father-daughter pairs, as they usually involve a younger woman with an older man.

For many people, their first reaction is not a perception of true love.

This perception is even stronger when the younger woman is dressed provocatively, and even more if she is wearing expensive jewelry.

Why do people jump to negative conclusions?

Research explains:

The Seduction of Status: Stereotypes and Social Stigma

Brian Collisson and Luciana Ponce De Leon (in 2020) studied perceptions and public prejudice against age-gap relationships due partly to negative stereotypes.

They predicted that according to theories of equity and social exchange, prejudice towards age-gap pairings may stem from perceived relational inequity.

Sure enough, they found that compared to age-matched couples, age-gap relationships were more disliked and perceived as less equitable.

Interestingly, they also found that within age-gap relationships, older partners were perceived as reaping greater rewards than their younger counterparts — which contradicts the stereotype of young paramours exploiting the wealth and resources of older partners.

Yet regarding romantic intentions, for both younger and older partners, there is more to motives than math.

Romancing the Resources: Perception of Partner Selection

When a young woman dates a man decades older, inquiring minds ask, “Why?!”

Perhaps she is seeking financial stability, social status, or other resources an older paramour is better able to provide.

But could it also be admiration, respect, and true love?

Here are some tools for practical perception:

Circumstantial Evidence of Intent

Within the court of public opinion, a younger woman’s motives for dating an older man are often interpreted through the data I use in a court of law — circumstantial evidence of intent.

For the social media viewing public, this analysis occurs superficially through what they can see — which is often too much in the case of provocative clothing.

Yet while a young woman in a plunge neckline is accused of showcasing flash over substance to land a wealthy older mate, a conservative suit and pearls can prompt assumptions of career-based professional match-making motives.

But all is not lost.

Although young women dating older men may trigger negative stereotypes, regardless of how they dress, there are more accurate indicators of intention.

Insight Through Insider’s Perspective

Friends and family are better positioned to perceive the relational health and happiness of individuals within their inner circle than outside observers.

Some age-gap couples are clearly better together, bringing out the best qualities in each other, accompanied by generous displays of affection, love, and respect.

Other pairings resemble more structured, professional mentorships or companionship-type relationships reflecting generational differences and respective stages in life.

Many older men with grown families of their own may not want to start a new one, and a career-oriented millennial may not be ready to sail into the sunset of retirement with a new paramour.

Regarding behavior change, a partner who becomes withdrawn or moody, or begins to behave either more dominant or submissive may be experiencing interpersonal power imbalance — which adversely impacts relational health and quality.

Conversely, other age-disparate couples who are relaxed, comfortable, and content together showcase interpersonal authenticity, which can diffuse suspicions of ulterior motives.

Expanding a couple’s inner circle to include colleagues and coworkers permits assessments of behavior change both personally and professionally.

A reliable employee whose attendance and productivity begin to slip may be circumstantially revealing a turbulent personal life.

On the other hand, the positive glow of a new romance may be visible through an employee who begins to arrive at work with a smile on her face and a spring in her step.

In the final analysis, setting aside scandal and sensationalism, there are solid ways caring observers can analyze how motives matter within an age-gap relationship, prioritizing personal perception over stereotype.

This article was originally published in Psychology Today.

Wendy L. Patrick, JD, MDiv, Ph.D., is an award-winning career trial attorney and media commentator. She is host of “Live with Dr. Wendy” on KCBQ, and a daily guest on other media outlets, delivering a lively mix of flash, substance, and style. Read Dr. Wendy L. Patrick’s Reports — More Here.

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