Asking Eric: Sexuality confusion spikes dating insecurity

Dear Eric: My sisters-in-law think I’m gay. I know for a fact they have talked with my brothers about sexual attraction. Unfortunately, I have a real rough past with people making fun of me because I had a learning disability. The whole community put me down. I never tried dating in high school or after. I’m sexually attracted to women and would like to have a relationship with a woman. I have not had any luck with online dating. I’m afraid that my sisters-in-law will make the woman feel uncomfortable with me or my family. I have spoken to my brothers about their behavior, and they seem to not understand or go around it. I’m not sure what to do or how to handle my problem.

– Rumor Mill

Dear Rumor Mill: Try talking directly to your sisters-in-law. But remember that anything they think or even say won’t affect your truth. This also extends to any woman you date; if the woman likes you and is comfortable in your relationship, then the opinions of your sisters-in-law won’t matter.

I understand the insecurity that this brings up and its connection to your past bullying. It’s hard to get other people’s voices out of our heads. Try to remember that any woman you’re meeting is meeting you today, in all of your value, complexity, and truth.

Sometimes it feels like other people can see every person that we once were or every part of our pasts we don’t like, especially in a situation as vulnerable as dating. But that’s not the case. They’ll see who you are today, so your relationship gets to begin on a blank slate.

That means you get to choose when and how you talk about how you were bullied or the tough relationship with your sisters-in-law. It also means you don’t have to introduce any girlfriend to your sisters-in-law until you feel ready. They don’t get to decide who you date or how; you do.